Yes ~ An Answer to a Prayer

This was so weird.  I was standing there, crying.  Not just tears, but crying hard, like having trouble breathing, nose all runny, eyes all red.  I was bent over, hands on knees, mouth somehow permanently open trying to get air.  I felt totally exposed, standing there in the shower, the white tiles and glass door around me, hot water coming down, relentlessly, over me, as I stood there, so helpless. 

An image of my mom had just played out in my mind.  Out of nowhere, a scene flashed – she was sick, she was gone, she was not there anymore.  She wasn’t there for me, my family, all those in her life, anymore.  I can’t remember what happened, but all I saw, and all I felt, was that she was gone.  People were gathered around us, people who loved her, mourning. 

An intense grief overcame me in 2.7 nanoseconds.  Out of NOWHERE, these so random horrible, tragic thoughts overwhelmed and dominated me.  I stood there in the hot shower for 5 minutes? 10 minutes?  The scene was so real in my head.  So real I was scared to get out of the shower and try and call my mom for fear of this horrible dream somehow being true.  In the shower, I was overcome with grief.

But in the dream, I was there, so totally calm.  In the middle of this horrible, ugly sadness, I was Peaceful??  I was reassuring people?? I was rock-like?  I was OK?  I was not in a puddle of tears on the ground?  Somehow, I was so peaceful…

I stood in the shower, and I have no idea how long it took me to regain composure.  I had to get going, to Houston - tomorrow was my interview with Accenture. 

~

I shudder and feel all weird when I think back to that episode.  It was so unexpected, so scary, so unlike me.  I knew at the time it had to mean something.  When I read back over a blog post I wrote from the heart just a few days before all that crying and those scary images flashing through my mind … I asked:

Will You Be Enough?  Will You be enough when my Mom isn’t here anymore? ……

In the dream, I somehow found peacefulness in the middle of my mom being gone, in the middle of the gut-wrenching feeling that my mom was gone. 

And Yes, I when I look back, I think I found something else.  An answer to my question that my heart had asked just a few days before.