Tired

Tired.  Tired of everything.

Tired of being tired. 

I'm tired of complaining.  About being bored.  Lonely.  Of not making money.  Of feeling unappreciated.  Unsure of what to do.  Unsure of what to work on, what to work towards.  Tired of feeling needy of pick-me-ups and hugs.

Just.  Tired. 

Of life. 

Ready for something to change. 

Tired of feeling like every minute, every hour, every day is yet anotherrrrrrrrrrrrr mountain to climb.  Yet another set of unknowns to figure out.  Yet another web of 'stuff' to figure out that I might not feel good at. 

Tired of not feeling like I'm winning. 

Tired of going into so many teary fits with those close to me.

What happened to the happy?  What happened to the dreamer?  What happened to the believer that everything is going to be awesome?  What happened to the smile?  To the carefreeness?  To the confidence?  What happened to the miracles.  To the life changing heart-to-heart, get deep conversations about dreams, thoughts, plans, feelings, relationships?

What happened to the leader?  To the girl that did everything, and loved it.  To the 5am wake up to push herself, and to the late nights to make something just perfect. 

To the say yes to every adventure.

To the deep down JOY?

God, I know you got this.  But sometimes, a lot of times this past year, hope has seemed so far away.  I'm tired of crying.  Of those quite tears that creep into the corner of your eyes, and of those all out bright red nose, can't breath tears.  Tired of not being sure.  I'm trying to enjoy the present, to be present, and enjoy the gift of each and every day. 

Tired of feeling like something has GOT to change, but not being sure what, or how, or who, or where, or when, or anything.  Tired of that uphill battle that seems to never end, and seems to go nowhere.  Tired of getting frustrated so easily.  Tired of the no end in sight.

Basically.  I'm tired.  My soul is tired.  My heart is tired.  My spirit is tired.  Can You send it back?  Soon?  I want to be a positive influence on those around me.  And lately it feels like I have barely anything to give.  I miss the abundance of Joy.  Of happiness.  Of optimism.  Of confidence.

I think what this has taught me is.  Spirits, hearts - they are worth fighting for.  Sometimes they are parched, but as long as they have an ounce of life left in them, as long as they have any kind of heartbeat, they can be brought back.  That there are seasons and periods of life.  That people can change, even when they seem down, hopeless, and a bit lost.  This is also teaching me patience.  Patience for things to get back to where they once were.  To come out of this journey with more wisdom, more exposure, to this entrepreneurship journey, this risk taking, these ever so small and daily steps of faith, of working, of figuring it out. 

God, I am tired.  But deep down, I know Your love for me, and for all of us.  And because of that, I know You are leading me through this for a reason.  I'll be patient to discover it. I'll be faithful to seek it.  And I'll be strong to live it. 

<3 from the very bottom (literally) of the heart

ps  I will try to write more.  It is always on my mind, but usually I'm too tired to draft something.  But, as I have always known, it does feel lightening to get things on paper/screen.  To release it.  To share it.  To realize, if only to myself, that there is truly a lesson in everything <3